I exist on the best terms I can.

So my former best friend is going to prom.

Ugh. He doesn’t even have a fucking date and said he wouldn’t go before because it’s a ‘waste of his time’. 

I was giddy until he said that in class.

I doubt this idiot has a date; I originally asked him to be my date if I end up going to prom. I would’ve been the only person who’d go with him. Because really, why would anyone want to go with him? Oh, that’s right. He puts up a fake facade to his ‘real friends’! He victimizes himself. Trying to pin ME as a crazy bitch. He lost his only friend who REALLY cared about him, and he cares about the people who don’t and WON’T give two shits about him. His loss. Now he’s trying to crawl back to his former best friends even though, like I said, it’s only for the sake of talking to them and not actually willing to be in contact with them after school because he won’t and doesn’t give a rats’ ass about them. He only cares about himself. He won’t care if the person he’s currently ‘close’ with committed suicide. That’s how much of a horrible piece of shit he really is, and he deserves to be alone. I’ve given him a chance to change that. I offered him my friendship, my EVERYTHING, my love, my support. He should be the one begging for my forgiveness, for all the shit he has put me in. For all the lies. The horrible things HE said. The passive aggressiveness.  Now he has to follow his own path, staggering his miserable self in the darkness while pushing the only light away from him. 

It should be whatever though. I can’t let this piece of shit, a coward, and a  two-faced loser ruin MY night. I have a date, no tux/suit yet (ew dresses) and many of my friends are coming. They’re urging me to come.  

I’m so much happier now. My new psychiatric medication is awesome. I feel beautiful. I feel strong. Brave. As my friends who had been so supportive have said I was. I have a great boyfriend, who calls me sexy and beautiful and adores me for what I am and what I’ve been through. I’m graduating in a month. Some of my closest friends are going to the same community college and campus as me after summer ends.

What will he gain? Misery. Misery for what he’s done. Karma will bite him in the ass. He’s turned into something he was AGAINST. 

I got this. 

<3

I was thinking of cutting myself again with a knife that was in my drawer.

I don’t know. I just feel really depressed again. It’s the same depressing feeling from last year. 

I just feel so lonely, though I know I have some friends who would kill me if they knew I was cutting again. And a guy I know would probably never want to see me again. Hell, he probably doesn’t want to be around my depressive lonely episodes.

I always feel paranoid. I always feel people are out to get me. I hear voices. I feel fucking insane.

 I have done nothing productive all day. I can’t think of games that I enjoy anymore. I dream and fantasize about death

It’d be nice if someone supportive would talk. I know one or two ‘friends’ don’t care about me, and I consider them my closest friends. They don’t have to tell me to let me know that. Yet I feel attached to them. Like a fucking parasite, when I know they want to see me kill myself in front of their eyes. I don’t know why I care about them. Too many good memories, maybe? Deep down, they probably are just as vulnerable as I am. Or maybe they mask their empathy with apathy and selfishness. Or maybe it’s just the delusions of my mind talking.

I dropped the blade though in the bathroom before making a mark, and started crying silently so my mother won’t hear.

I need help.

I guess this is the proper time to get back on my medication… 

I wanna work on being more positive.

Not complain as much. Try not to react too badly to certain things. 

Bit by bit, I’m sure I’ll achieve this. I’m having an awful home life where I feel suffocated and choked and spat on, and the only way right now I can deal with this is just keeping my head up instead of spiraling more into a dark pit. 

Maybe it’ll get rid of the paranoia I’ve been having. The bad dreams. The eerie voices in my head I always hear. Maybe.

Getting depressed and anxious again and I want to cry at times

What’s wrong with me? I feel vulnerable and empty when I’m not supposed to be. I get this sudden intense hatred for everyone I know and can’t trust them. After all, I’m probably one of the most psychotically vindictive, and sometimes outwardly angry, people I know. I know who’s a liar. I know how to wreck someone’s life without sympathy because I have a psycho way of knowing things. I’m not stupid.

I can barely walk or bend.

It’s painful to exhale or take a deep breath and now I see an ugly big purple bruise forming on my lower side to my upper chest.  and I have dark purple to reddish bruises on my leg. Fuck. 

It’s going to be so difficult to work on Friday with a bunch of customers without crying from excruciating pain, especially since I’m new to the register.

On top of that, I’m getting shit from home. And getting depressing/empty thoughts again.

Ugh.

The people I have once liked/loved even or still do probably are getting into relationships. Or are in relationships. They’re all with someone beautiful or vibrant and lively. While I’m just a sack of shit compared to them.

It hurts. I’ve been single for a while too, and even the beginning of getting to know someone BEFORE the small possibility of a relationship dies out quickly. 

And I just get hit by that pang of disgust with myself. That intense, scary feeling of insecurity. The dark voice in my head looping, taunting me, saying that I should end my life. How I’m just a liability to everyone. I’ve been feeling so vindictive and apathetic. It’s not me. 

I look in a mirror and I just see someone dead. No hopes or goals for life, even. 

I don’t want to sound like an emo shit like I have in the past month, or the past year, but I can’t help it sometimes. I feel like depression just creeps behind me sometimes, and captures me when I’m most emotionally vulnerable.

I’m tired of the bullshit that emanates from the family. I feel like there’s no other way out. 

The question is, should I kill myself? Maybe. I just don’t know how I’d carry it out.

I need help. If only my therapist was contactable. 

Another one of those nights…

Best day ever.

We had two fights in school, one verbal and one physical. It was really fucking amusing to watch.

Then I was playing Sonic 3 in Journalism and my friend filmed it using my ipod and omg it’s funny as hell

THEN rehearsals were pretty chill. I was full of energy, probably because of the cappuccino. 

and finALLY WHEN I COME HOME I REALIZED A GUY I ABSOLUTELY CAN’T STAND IS FINALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. HE WON’T FLIRT OR TRY GETTING ME TO FUCK HIM ANYMORE WHEN HE TRIES VISITING (or at least i hope not)

I am a happy person. <3 it was hard to figure out when was the last time I was truly happy. 

My sorta-kinda crush said hi to me too so omg he finally acknowledges I exist despite he has a girlfriend. 

My friend is going to file a report for statutory rape against this fucking asshole I’ve known since last year, so it’ll ruin his life, his future career and get him kicked out of the play. I’ll finally get his role which I’ve wanted ever since rehearsals started. 

The new house my family has been waiting for has finally been given to us. We start packing on the weekend and get the new house key on Monday. 

And tomorrow, I have my first LGBT club meeting! I’m nervous and so excited; I’ll take a double dose of Melantonin so I can get some sleep. I tend to have insomnia. 

Me right now:

One day, some day

I’ll swallow all of my pills and then I’ll be gone like everyone tells me to. I should just do it soon. To spare me anger and aggression. Nobody will miss me.

If you can, read this. Or ignore, it’s sort of me talking about whatever.

 I’ve been off my meds again for a week, which is almost impressive considering that if I miss one day I always end up breaking down and relapsing. But I’ve been doing fine with the minor side effects of headaches and irritability. 

I feel a little…. I don’t know. Secure would be the best term. It’s a funny feeling, but it’s also not very familiar to me, which is a good thing. I’m lucky to have people I love in my life. I may or may not show it a lot, but I do. 

I’m also stressed but not the bad kind of stressed. I’ve been distracted with all sorts of schoolwork and after-school activities or what I do in class. It makes me reflect on how terrible my junior year was: it was nothing but mental breakdowns, a lot of cutting, crying, insecurity, all that jazz.

I’m gonna get back on my meds again because I didn’t particularly dislike Lexapro. It’s so much better than Zoloft which made me sensitive to anything I ate, hence me vomiting and nearly having panic attacks/short breath all the time. 

I wonder if this is what happiness feels like. If it is, I’d always imagine it something a bit more, but that can progress a little in the future. I’m not a role model, hell no. I would hate to be a role model because well, I’m a human. Humans make mistakes. Humans do stupid things. Since I’m in recovery, I would like to help my friends who are in the dark themselves, by not being a total piece of rotting shit myself. They can’t listen to someone who’s the queen of nihilism; it won’t help them, and it won’t help me. 

The world is not black and white; there are shades of grey. Darker shades, lighter shades. There is good and evil but mostly power that affects every one of us. 

As Jodi Lerner, the stunning deaf character on the L Word said, “The more I’m afraid of something, the more I have to do it. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or I can take on things that scare me the most. The more it hurt, the more I may die from doing it. The more worth doing it must be…”

Keeping that quote in mind, I think I know what I will establish as a career. Journalism and media work. It was a major cause of my depression because I thought I’d be a useless piece of shit who would be like rotting fungi like everyone else. I want to be a voice. I want to stand up for myself, to stand up for others and stand for whatever I strongly believe in. If there was a risk of getting murdered because of something controversial I said, then the more I would do it because I know it’s affecting someone. Even if I may die doing it.  I want to be able to try affecting people, positively or negatively, mostly positively as I would know who to distinguish from ignorant or whatever. 

God’s not there to protect me, it’s a lie. Believing that God has your future set is delusional; it never works. I would know; I would pray to a God who can help me. He didn’t abandon me or ignore my utterings of peace and forgiveness; he was just never really there. It was a false sense of hope. Only I had control of my OWN life. So I have to take on whatever the world slams against me. 

There is happiness, and there is anguish. You can achieve happiness by putting your mind to it.  It takes a gradual amount of time especially if you’re pessimistic like me, and hell, I still do see it as negatively time to time depending on my mood. Happiness is never easy to obtain unlike anger and sadness; you have to work towards it. You have to focus on it. You have to WANT it, to desire it, otherwise, you’ll never get it. And yes, this is coming from someone who’s clinically depressed. I still have my mental episodes where I lash out against someone innocent, but I try to learn from my mistakes. So I won’t lose them, because the risk of losing someone dear to me makes me want to cry, or lose myself. 

I wish people would stop asking me about my cutting scars.

I like to dismiss it as having a violent cat, but it’s seriously none of your business.

Lonely and horny at the same time kind of

Like I’m thinking of past relationships/crushes.

I remember my ex, my first boyfriend, as much of a douche he was that deserves to rot in hell, he was such a good kisser and the way he touched me, fondled me, made me just… want him to just fuck me on the spot. asdffghjkl. It would instantly turn me on more than anything. I sort of miss that familiar touch.

But I almost can’t trust anyone enough to be back to relationships again. Because I’m almost always just fucked around with, as if I’m completely clueless. I also feel that no strings attached shit will just bore me after a while if I actually get into it once I graduate. Dilemmas, dilemmas. The more I think about it, the more this might contribute to my depression, and the worst thing is, I don’t remember having it. It’s always been there, even.

actually, fuck it, i’m just gonna go back to medication.

and probably back to using zoloft the way i was using it again.

i mean really.

i would rather feel numb. what the fuck is great about feeling anyway. because once i’m vulnerable and stupid enough to believe that i can be happy, i just get hurt by people i love, people I thought COULD possibly support me but it turns out to be a huge fucking lie. and i just get sent to this downward spiral. everyone else is happy or always has something to do, why can’t i be? 

and no this isn’t a relapse post. i took 15 mg of the melantonin because idk but for me it takes a while for it to knock me out. it takes a lot for my body to pay attention to pills apparently. gah.

i need to keep my chin up. i’ve heard from studies that if you focus on getting better, your depression can fade or you’ll feel happy, finally. i just hate having shitty lapses like this. 

Third day without my medication.

I kinda feel that I get irritated or angry or violent really easily but also sad and triggered. Even before that I actually feel energetic but also really shaky and jumpy. I guess those are Lexapro 20mg withdrawal symptoms and I should probably get back onto it even though I’ll just turn into this horny-ridden, boring cow with mild anxiety.

Like

what way should i go.

with or without.

i don’t wanna be angry or pissy especially with my friends and i’m surprised i’ve withhold myself from lashing out with them or cutting their throats open but i also feel a lot more ‘up’ and about. lexapro has done a fairly good job, at least, better than zoloft which just made me numb and throw up a lot. i was also abusing my zoloft the past few weeks, taking 200 to 300 mg of it a day mixing it in with my 15 mg of lexapro which is a LOT and it made me sick. it was really weird and something i’m not trying to do again. before anyone calls me bulimic or whatever, i wanted to purposely throw up because it made me feel relieved of all this shit i always face whether it’s with parents or anyone around me really. however it also made me relapse to cutting which i’m ashamed of. 

maybe i should either ask my psychiatrist to bump up my dosage so i can finally feel a lot better because now i’m in my sad phase. before i was on my angry, ranting phase about how i’m a sad piece of shit that will never amount to anything welp.

like i don’t really know what to do. i’m just so lost and i don’t think a person who thinks similarly to me is there to actually help me and such.

i’ve also not relapsed today and i should give myself a pat on the back. i don’t want more scars on my body but the temptation and that feeling is so good, but i regret it later. and i don’t want anyone i personally to find out about it especially my parents who threatened me to lock me up in a mental ward.

tldr; i’ve been off my medication, and been in very polarizing/various moods because of it. energetic/jumpy to angry/lashing. the medication makes me feel alright, definitely not as depressed but i just want that happy feeling to what i get when i’m OFF my medication back. i can’t have one without the other, unfortunately.

So I haven’t had any effects from mixing up my medication…

100 mg of Zoloft and 20 mg of Lexpro isn’t too shabby.